New chapter in my life= a new blog.

www.restoremyheart.wordpress.com

im starting a new blog- i will no longer be writing in this one. I have started a new chapter in my life. so i decided a new blog would fit well.

 

Note to Self #3

took this on my front porch, beautiful sunset.

im rambling. trying to remember how to write. and separate my thoughts..fyi, not worth reading, im sure it will make no sense. this is a note to self

It has been months. I think I may have even forgotten how to write,…or type?..think? im not sure.

Im not very sure where I have been those last few months. So much has happened, that Im not going to mention. A lot of pain, and hurt, but mostly confusion. But over and over again, God has healed me. And not just healed me, but made me better. Im not saying im completely healthy, or that im completely strong and bold, but i am working on it.

Im not content where i am. im trying to find this relationship i once held on to so tightly. I feel like im standing- in the middle of a super busy intersection, not daring to budge cause one wrong move and im roadkill. Everyone is just flying by, and im just standing there, tense, scared to move anywhere. Not even sure what direction is safe to go.

I do have hope that one day I will find what I am looking for. Let me record something that happened not long ago. this is how it went.

It was just a typical day, and I was getting ready to try to spend some time with God. I usually do that at the reservoir behind my house, the sun sets perfectly over the water. so thats where I was going, and when I got up there and sat down, I felt like someone was coming up to me from behind me, and i turned around, and no one was there, and it happened again, but this time i heard a whisper, and it said “it is okay erika, you are safe” at that moment, my entire body got goosebumps. i was sooo calm, i dont know what it was, but i layed there and watched the sun set, instead of doing quiet time. I must have fallen asleep or something, because I had this dream, but it felt real, because in my dream, i was at the reservoir, in my quiet time spot. I was sitting there. with my feet in the water, and Jesus came over and sat by me. And he said this, “Why are you so unsure of me? I have given you everything Erika, you can trust me, I promise you are safe, will you just come into my arms and let me carry you?” and i just burst into tears.  and i tried to say i was sorry, but before i could get any word out, he picked me up, and started walking over the water towards the sunset. eventually it feels like we are sooo close to the sun, and we are on land again, on a cliff, and we sit on the ledge, our feet dangling off.  The sun is sooo bright, and the sky is painted in pinks and oranges. He grabbed my hand and said “lay back and rest with me” and when i layed back, i saw angels surround me, and i knew they were protecting me because anything that came near they blew(yes, like blowing a bubble) and whatever they blew at was blown away so fast i could hardly tell what they were. But, it was like they were playing a game, because every time one of the angels blew something away they jumped up and down, and cheered and sang…anyway.When I layed back  he grabbed both hands placing one on his heart and one on mine, he said to listen, I noticed they were the same beats, exactly the same. He said “we have the same heartbeat, and when you are hurting, i can feel it, when you are happy, and your heart skips a beat, so does mine. I love you so much Erika, will you please trust me, and give me all your hurts and aches? You are my princess, and I will do anything to keep you”….that moment i woke up, and noticed the sun had already set.

 

a prayer to dad.

JEEEESSSUUUUUSSSSSS

im not really sure whats going on, or what you want me to do…..but i love you.

you have blessed me, so much infact.

 

9 days

You know, I haven’t had much motovation to write in here lately. I seem to just be numb or unaware of my surroundings..like, its been hurting. so i just put it to the side and say things are going great. because sometimes the truth hurts, and who wants to hurt? – i know i dont, so instead of the truth maybe you just put in a little fib saying your okay, or maybe you just don’t even say anything at all….

I sit here wtih coffee at my side, curled up in my warm blanket. Listening to worship music. Trying to find my place wtih papa. Things have just been so bruised and battered lately that…I’ve lost who I am in the lord’s eyes. Its only 9 days until I start my first roadtip in my life..(by this i mean, im driving by myself- 12-13 hours..) I am so beyond nervous, becuase this is serious stuff…. What if i get lost? What if something happens to my car? what if i lose control of my car? i should be telling myself…”where is your trust in our heavenly father?”… i need that. i do need to trust him, because i GAURANTEE, he is the ONLY way i will make it there alive. and i say that out of all honesty and truth. I have never driven this route before, I’m not the best at reading a map, and its in the middle of winter…God, bless me please..

I need to pull myself together NOW, i need some serious soaking time with daddy. I need some serious drinking his knowledge, some serious soaking in his presence, because I can’t leak Jesus on others, if im not filled up..

Well, Im done venting..I promise one day i will get back to writing deep, i promise one day i will get back to writing poetry, I promise one day I will be myself again..

 

my heart is broken…

i wish i knew what to type in here…just seems as if everytime i pull my thoughts apart and set them into words, something else happens that totally defeats the purpose of trying to seperate my thoughts…

my heart is so aching right now…for a little one i love so dearly.

why is the world so messed up these days? so much that a father, would change a childs name after birth, that a father would have his daughter sell her body, and HE get paid for it…so much that he would make a child addicted to drugs…that a father would never expose a daughter to something good? why is the world so messed up, that in order to feel in control, they have to hurt the ones that did nothing but love them?

my heart is broken.

I never really thought it was real stuff, i always saw it in movies, and tv shows, or heard about it on the news..or in the paper…but now i hear about it in real life, from a real friend, and it HURTS. the world has totally screwed up the image of what a father is suppost to be…much of the world just thinks Fathers are who hold the family together, lays down the rules, makes sure everything is done right…but, shouldnt they be the ones that pick up their little ones, and dust them off when they fall? aren’t they suppose to hold that unconditional love? and tell their kids how much they are worth? what has this world done?

i have a lot of mixed emotions at the moment…mabye i will write more later. for now, i should relax and try to think straight.

 

Ahava Shaddai

meet my friend, Ahava Shaddai

I have this friend, her name is Anyisha. She is 16, a beautiful child of God. She is one of my friends girlfiends, she hasn’t had the best life. At only the age of 5, her mom died, when her mom died, her dad changed her name to Anyisha, her birth name was Ahava Shaddai, but he didn’t like it, so he changed it to Anyisha….her own father, changed her name, becuase he didn’t like the name her mother picked out.

Her dad is a business man, and is never home, basically lets her do what she wants…she got caught up in drugs, horrible drugs, and became addicted but her dad was perfectly fine with it, in fact- he gave them to her… This beautiful child of God, became addicted to the enemy. So much, that she sells her body, to get these drugs. not that its her choice anyway. she lives in a sick world of prostitution.

Last night, a friend and I got to speak life into her. She doesn’t want that old life anymore. Lets pray for her,

her name Ahava Shaddai, has given her total worth, total purity, Ahava, means LOVE, yes, her name means LOVE! and her middle name is God, if you put those together, its God’s love. But its like, that form of God, means holy. She IS God’s love! she is HOLY, She doesn’t know it yet, but lets pray she does soon!:)

 

A letter from my loved ones.

we have phones, and we have interenet. but me and my sisters thought it would be fun to snail mail eachother…meanings we live so far from eachother. I found how heartwarming it is- to read these..they, didnt just rush a letter, they spent time on it, and made it beautiful! I mean, my youngest one drew me pictures! and my middle one, she…made my name artsy, and a really long letter. ..this might not mean much to some people, but this letter ment the world to me….here are the letters. I will only type some of the letter from ashley, some of it is personal. and i will type the whole letter from autumn!

FROM AUTUMN:

Dear Sissy Nichole

I miss you so so so so much! i do not no the picture is so i cannat color the picture i will call you soon! what do you do yestrday? i like my skool. i have a lot of friends. they like me.

I love you!

p.s. you betr be good for dad and tel dad i love him.

love autumn c.

 

FROM ASHLEY: (this blows me away)

Hey Erika,

I am good, how have you been? I dont have all my stuff here yet, but im finally getting settled in, well kinda. haha. how is living with dad? I start school tomorrow. which is lame, but i will meet new people at least.How is being the only kid in the house. I would not know. There is four other kids here. And they are ALL(underlined)really really really annoying. Tyler, Will and Kyle like hitting punching and kicking and just plain annoying. And autumn, she just talks too much, thats why you guys were so close. i get it now.

I cant wait to hang out with other people. no friends yet, no church either, no youth group. I can’t wait till i learn how to play guirar. think maybe we can play together sometime? (at this moment, i froze, and read those last few sentences over and over again…SO amazed. ill get back to this later)

So i heard mom is letting you drive us to dads?! thats surprising. you are lucky you are the only child. but not really it probably gets lonely, dont it? I have been kinda depressed. I have not got to talk to paige yet, (her best friend that got put in a group home)I am really sad. I sometimes miss you a lot..

love ashley.

ps. write back!

back up in ashleys letter…she said no friends, no CHURCH, no YOUTH GROUP…this makes my heart want to cry….she was never really into church, nor youth group. she would go every now and then to see friends, but the fact that she doesnt have friends yet, AND SHE WANTS TO GO TO CHURCH!?!?! WHAT?! GOD- YOU ARE SO DARN GOOD!! she was never a church person. it brought me to tears. i want to cry for her hurting soul, her lost one. it kills me, because knowing my mom, she will keep telling her, “i will take you next week, i will take you next week”….but next week, never comes.

And if you have been a normal reader of my blogs, you would know me and her dont have much of a relationship…but…if you read in her letter- she ASKED ME, if we could play sometime together! she is doing something, that i love. she is learning how to play guitar…this is just, MIND BLOWING. i never thought this day would come, where i could say that i truely love love LOVED my sisters equally. i never thought i could say ” i dont have a favorite sister” and…honestly. thats so sick. its so sick that my whole life, i HAVE had favorite sister. and it was never her. i never saw the kind heart that lays inside her body. i never saw that my every action, she was paying attention to….good thing i played a mom role in her life..

This letter, brought more than just tears here tonight, this letter, i just cant stop reading it. I am so blessed.

 

Holy Spirit Revival

I know this video is in like, in another language kind of….but i just cant stop watching it…my heart is glued to it….this is what i want to see, this is what i want to feel, ALWAYS, not just at confrences. always…i want this. i want to see this more.

 

I am purely Thirsty

I am purely thirsty

I am wondering heart

I am drifting spirit

 

I feel his presence

I feel his love

I feel his hold

 

I want knowledge of my papa.

I pray to him

I am blessed by how thick his love is.

 

I am his princess

Being hugged and kissed by his angels

I am loved by my daddy.

 

I am a heart

That feels peace in this place of rest.

 

I am a hungry child,

Get me drunk off of the Joy I know you can give me.

 

I am his favorite

I am his little girl,

Who sings to him.

 

I am purely thirsty

I am wondering heart

I am drifting spirit.

 

I am purely thirsty

Whose heart has been enlightened

Who loves her papa.

 

I get to drink his knowledge,

Soak in his presence,

And leak Jesus all over people.

I am so blessed.

 

God, bless America.

Yesterday morning i woke up at 5:30 in the morning. It is NOT often i wake up that early. But God woke me up…He said start praying- start praying for our nation..so i simply turned worship on. and began to pray, i prayed all day yesterday. And as it got closer, 730, 9, 10, 1030…oh no it was getting close, and obama was ahead by far, my heart began to sink, and i realized that this is when i needed to pray- more than any other time. Its hard to see something like this happen. Its hard to hear that thousands are praying, and Obama is elected president….
I have been trying to see what God is trying to show us, it just seems foggy to me. Is he trying to pull our nation together? is this how he is going to do it? we are doing something terribly wrong, we are crying out to God, saying “God, PLEASE, change the world, MOVE , do something!!” but God is sitting right there saying.”no, honey, YOU move, YOU MOVE, and i will back you up!!! You change the world, and i will send angels to work with you, YOU move, and i will be RIGHT behind you, and if you want, i will even hold your hand! but YOU have to move first, i will be right here, backing you up!” i wish i could have remembered that!

We are telling God that we want to have a revival, but he is saying, BE a revival!

Now, it is Wednesday morning, the day after election day, my heart still aches and wants to turn away from the fact Obama is president, but i feel like God is trying to show us something, Im not sure what, but its something. something big. so lets not look at what God didn’t do, but lets look at what he is GOING to do!! YEAH GOD!